


Lie Back

by ShannonXL



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Depersonalization, Emotional Infidelity, M/M, Miscommunication, Past Rape/Non-con, intimacy issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-24
Updated: 2016-12-24
Packaged: 2018-09-11 19:50:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9008671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShannonXL/pseuds/ShannonXL
Summary: Bucky and Steve are happy. On the surface. Inside, Bucky knows happy won't get him off.





	

Bucky closes his eyes, and drifts as Steve guides him down.

Where he is, the blankets are soft and Steve’s hands are gentle. There’s the sound of nice music playing nearby, off Steve’s laptop, songs they both like. New stuff they discovered together. Just a light blanket over their bodies, the heat from their skin makes them warm enough. The pillowcase beside his cheek smells like fresh laundry. Steve is pressing kisses to his neck, beneath his ear. If feels good.

And there’s no way he’s getting off just from this.

The memories he has to work with are all cobbled together. Pieces of things he remembers. None of it’s pretty. He’s sure by now some of what he’s thinking of is solely his imagination, extrapolated from feelings instead of facts. It doesn’t matter. The hard steel against his back feels cold and solid and real enough. The sound of his labored breathing echoes off the tiled walls. Ragged, harsh noises he can feel tearing through his lungs as he takes each breath. There are cuffs around his wrists, ankles, and abdomen that are too heavy for him to break, though he’ll try to anyway. It’s cold, raising goosebumps on his skin. He can smell blood and sweat laced with cortisol and and other fear-induced chemicals. There’s a strap pressing down against his neck, almost choking him, making him feel breathless as he struggles.

He wretches, rubbing himself against his partner. The images get him hard enough for Steve to notice. When Bucky opens his eyes, Steve is pulling back. Smiling. _Because he doesn’t know_ Bucky reminds himself. Steve wouldn’t want to, if he knew what Bucky was doing underneath him. Bucky leans up to kiss him, and Steve kisses back, and in the back of his mind Bucky is remembering the sensation of fingers pressing against his jawbone, forcing his mouth open. Steve rocks against him, moaning. Bucky remembers to push up against him.

Part of the trick is making Steve think he wants it like this.

Bucky _wants_ to want this, nice and calm and safe. It would be nice, to want things like this. But the truth is he’s backward inside, probably always has been. And now he’s got seventy years of twisted memories to match.

“You wanna get on top of me Buck?”

Bucky pushes his lips into a smile.

“You want me baby?”

Steve nods, flushed. Bucky’s glad he can do that at least. Make Steve feel hot.

Bucky gets his arms around Steve, coaxing him into rolling over. He’s figured out what to whisper, sweet things delivered in a breathy hum to Steve’s ear. “You want to feel me darlin’?” He slides his right hand down Steve’s abdomen, palm wide and tender, slow like honey dripping. “You want to feel how special you are to me?” It always makes Steve moan to hear that. “You’re so beautiful, I want you so much honey.”

It’s true, it’s basically true; Bucky does _want_ him. Bucky is in love with Steve, wants to give him everything. Wants to have this with him. Something pure and good.

This is as close as he gets.

Steve won’t notice if Bucky’s erection flags a little. Bucky looked it up; it’s actually normal for that to happen sometimes, especially when he preps Steve. He puts his tongue and lips to work on Steve’s dick, using one slicked up finger to loosen him up. His left arm is useless here, so he leans on it. The noises Steve makes let Bucky know he’s doing it right. When he looks up, Steve is struggling to keep his eyes open, his hands are twisted in the sheets. Bucky chuckles.

“You can hold on to me ya’ know,” he makes it sound like a joke, “probably save us the trouble of replacing the sheets every two weeks.”

Steve shakes his head.

“Don’t, ah! Wanna… hurt ya’ Bucky.”

It was worth a try.

Bucky gets back to it, working Steve thoroughly. Steve is used to it, so it doesn’t take long for him to be dripping and moaning for it. It’s playful, and Bucky prays every night that one day it will make him feel warm inside, make his blood rush and his breath speed up.

Nothing yet.

Bucky keeps working Steve, pretending to tease him, kissing his thighs, and he conjures up a memory from far away. His legs spread between a metal rod. Blood dribbling down his thighs. He can hear something whistling through the air. Dog tags, he thinks that memory is real. Every few seconds, the whistling stops and there’s a loud crack as the sharp metal lands on his behind. He can feel it splitting his skin, and he thinks someone is toying with him, trying to figure out how long it takes before it heals. Before they can mark him up all over again. Every part of him feels tender and used up. He feels like he’s covered in tears and grime and semen and blood and piss and he feels like the stench will overwhelm him. He feels like there’s no point in begging, because no one will listen to him. The only response he can expect is cold laughter.

“Please Bucky,” Steve is trying not to rock up into him, trying to hold back. “Please. I need you in me, please. I’m ready for it, I can take it, _please_.”

Bucky is ready to oblige now. He lubes himself up, and presses himself in, nice and easy.

“There ya’ go Stevie.” Bucky nuzzles Steve’s cheek, keeping his words sweet and gentle. “Just the way you like it. Let me give it to ya’ baby.” Steve is writhing underneath him, making these soft little noises. It does nothing for Bucky, but Steve is getting off on it, like he always does. Bucky moves inside him, setting a mellow pace. He knows Steve likes it best when Bucky coaxes him up gradually. Steve likes to feel like he’s floating on the edge. If Bucky can get it right, Steve will cum so hard he’s out of breath.

“Just like that darlin’… you’re so good for me.”

Bucky kisses Steve’s neck, and he can feel Steve moaning underneath his lips. That’s a good sign.

He lets his mind wander a little. Not far, not far enough he’ll get lost in it, but enough to keep himself hard. There are orders he got, simple ones. Open up. Wider. Don’t you dare bite down. Choke on it. Take it. And don’t swallow it, because that’s all you’ll get. His throat feels tight and the taste of bitter skin is on his tongue. He spits when he’s told to, and gets slapped in the face for his trouble. It doesn’t matter. He’s shoved onto his stomach, his cheek slammed into the dirt. Fingers are rough and something hard is shoved inside him and he remembers what it sounds like when he screamed. Like he was being split in two. Like it had been a while.

He opens his eyes when Steve is getting close, because he wants to see Steve’s expression. He tries to savor those memories. The way Steve’s eyes squeeze shut, the way his lips part and sweat glistens on his forehead and chest. He looks like he’s honest-to-God glowing.

Bucky knows he can’t finish with Steve, and he doesn’t try. He gets a hand around Steve’s dick and works him just right, and pushes him over the edge. Steve whimpers at the end. Bucky doesn’t pull out, but he knows he needs to be fast, because right now Steve is full of endorphins and too soon he’ll reach the tipping point between pleasure and pain and Bucky doesn’t want to hurt him. And Steve gets strange when Bucky doesn’t finish inside him. Like he thinks Bucky is rejecting him.

So he picks a good one.

Hog tied on a table, with his legs shoved out of the way. He’s panting around a gag, his breath coming in heavy through his nostrils. He’s been left wide open, and he can already feel the next one lining up. He thinks that after so long, he shouldn’t be able to feel it anymore. But he does. Every single one stings just as bad as the first, if not worse. Like his body is trying to heal for it. And there’s another guy warming up in his face, slapping a rapidly hardening dick against his cheek, around his gag-swollen lips, and he swallows hard as another deep thrust rocks him to his teeth, and he lost count hours ago but he thinks they must have lined up for round two by now…

And that gets him there.

Bucky collapses on top of Steve.

Steve wraps his arms around Bucky’s waist, snuggling close to him, whispering something encouraging, the syllables getting lost in the skin of Bucky’s right shoulder. Bucky collects himself, pushes himself up with his left arm so he can look at Steve, all flushed and smiling and good.

“What was that Stevie?”

Steve grins, dopey. “That was real good. Thank you.”

Bucky smiles.

“Ain’t no skin off my back.”

Steve chuckles, reaching up to stroke Bucky’s face. They should both clean up, but it can wait. Bucky kisses Steve’s fingers, focusing on the smell of him, in case he needs the memory later.

“You all right Buck?”

“Sure I am.” Bucky feels his brows creasing together. “Why?”

Steve shakes his head a little.

“No reason. You just seemed.” Steve takes a steady breath. “It’s nothing. Just for a second, you looked like you were gone a little. Wanna make sure you were okay there.”

Oh.

Bucky lies down next to Steve, stroking his chest.

“Don’t worry Steve. I was more than okay.”

Steve gets closer to him, tangling their legs together. He looks right through Bucky with those pretty eyes of his.

“You were here?”

Bucky chuckles.

“I think you’ll be feelin’ how much I was _here_ in the mornin’, fella.” Bucky shrugs. “You know me Steve. I’m with ya. I am now anyway.”

Steve smiles, and he leans in just in time to miss the way Bucky’s forced smile fades away. They kiss, and Bucky does his best to make the words seem real, and prays some day they might be.

“And thank God for that Buck,” Steve whispers when he pulls away. “Don’t know what I’d do without you here.”

“Get hairy palms, probably.”

The joke feels right. He was always funny, after all.


End file.
